Thursday, April 1, 2010

Alternate Version Blogfest Day!

One of my favorite Bloggers came up with a fun and interesting idea for April 1st. She writes YA fiction and proposed the idea of submitting a portion of your work in progress followed by the same section written as if in a different genre.  Her submission is quite funny and inspired me to give it  a try.  So here is a section of my contemporary romance/suspense followed by the same scene...written as a paranormal fantasy:

For some reason, the cafeteria lights never seemed to be very bright in the east corner. I didn’t know if it was a design feature to make the televisions hanging from wall brackets easier to see, or it was just bad florescent bulbs. Either way, I liked to sit in the corner booth, put my feet on the seat opposite me, and relax with my eyes closed after my shifts. I was doing just that when I felt someone slide into the seat across the table from me. I opened my eyes a crack, gasped, then sat straight up.

Antonio glared at me in the dim light. A sneer pulled at his puffy pink lip while he looked at me. My eyes slid to the tattoo of a black handprint on his neck. The number thirteen scrawled under it made my stomach flop. “Been making yourself scarce, huh, doc?”

I fought to control my breathing and hoped my face didn’t show the fear I felt tightening my throat.

“What are you doing here?” I hissed.

Antonio clicked his tongue and waved his tattooed finger at me.

“You still haven’t learned any manners, doc? Not even after your car got jacked-up?”

I leaned back against the vinyl seat and looked at him. He was actually proud of himself. I tried to keep from shaking.

“The car was a piece of junk, you did me a favor, Tony,” I said with a hiss. “And your little high-school pranks didn’t change anything. You’re not getting anywhere near my clinic.”

I wanted to sound tough, but my voice came out in a hushed squeak. Antonio shook his head and leaned in on the table.

“You’re messing with fire, doc,” he said angrily. “You don’t want anything to happen to that sweet secretary of yours. Or better yet, maybe your cop friend, Farrell, will get a domestic call and get a bullet through the forehead when he walks up to the door, eh?”

He reached across the table and poked me between the eyes so fast I didn’t have time to pull back. I gasped with surprise and fear.

“You got one more chance, doctor, what’s it going to be? You take me on as a silent partner,” he said and made quotes in the air with his fingers. “Or you pay the price for getting on my bad side.”

I balled my fists under the table. Fear and anger boiled in my gut. His threats would never end unless I gave in, but then his drugs and his boys would destroy the clinic and my career. His greed would destroy everything I built over the last few years no matter what I did. All the people that relied on my clinic were going to suffer. Tears burned my eyes, and I blinked them back, suddenly furious. I slammed the table with both palms and jumped to my feet.

“Get out!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “Get out of my hospital! Security!”

Startled, Antonio looked at me like I was crazy and then scanned the room. Everyone in the cafeteria looked in our direction, some people stood at their tables. Scurrying across the carpet, Mike and another guard rushed over to us, their hands on their weapons.

“You’re gonna pay for this!” Antonio growled. “You’re gonna wish you were never born!”

“We’ll see about that,” I snarled back.

He turned and pushed past Mike and the other guard knocking over a chip rack on his way out. They followed him at a distance, making sure he left the hospital. I watched him leave, dread pooling in my chest.

Turns out, he was right. I did pay.


I walked down the hall on the basement floor of the hospital, my stomach knotted with dread as terrified patients and staff scrambled away from the cafeteria. Even without the fleeing throng, I knew he was here; his presence sent a crackling thrum along my spine. Inside the room, Antonio seethed with rage. I could taste it in the ether.

Closer now, the door to the cafeteria bulged and caved with the force of his fury. Cracks webbed along the ceiling and puckered the floor. I swallowed against the lump in my throat, willing myself to take a step forward, then another. I couldn’t back down; there was no hiding from him, not now.

“Antonus,” I yelled from the hall. “This won’t bring him back.”

A blast surged through the doors, slamming them into the opposite side of the hall. The force of the wave knocked me to the linoleum. Bits of wall and glass rained down on me, slicing my arms, my face.

“I told you what would happen, Reya, that you were playing with fire,” his voice, quaking with anguish echoed out from the dark room. “Now you’re going to pay. All of you.”

Images of Lilliana, her pale skin lit from within as she reached out, healing the young ones. I couldn’t let him hurt her. Clenching my eyes shut, I took a breath, steeling my nerves. Bensha’s premonition was correct; there could be only one.

“Show me that you’ve learned your place, Reya!” Antonus screamed. “Show me or you’ll wish you’d never come to this place!”

I stepped into the mouth of the ruined room, my breath coming in hitches. The heat rose from my stomach in a trembling wave, and I brought my hands out to my side. Blue energy pulsed at my palms. The light, swirling at superheated speeds, flew from my hands and charged across the dark room. A jagged whip of power slashed across his body throwing him across the carpet.

Teeth bared, I screamed, “We’ll see about that!”

If you liked visiting my alternate universe, have a look at the other entries for The Alternate Universe Blogfest at Livia Blackburne's blog.

Photo by: ComputerHotline, Uploaded on May 25, 2009.


Erin said...

There can be only one!
That's awesome. It's funny, but I actually liked you're paranormal version. Think there's a future in it?

Amalia T. said...

Nicely done! The Paranormal was a fun read, but I loved your original!

Iapetus999 said...

I definitely liked the second one better...because there was movement and images and stuff happening.
The first one was kind of stale. It's a conversation that they could have had over the phone. I'm not sure how to make a cafeteria may want to consider changing it so he confronts her in an enclosed space where she can't just call to let her off the hook too easily IMHO.
Nice job!

Dawn Embers said...

Well done. Another person with a kind of long post and not 10 different versions, lol. Great job. I like the second but I'm more found of anything close to fantasy as opposed to other ones.

Peta Jinnath Andersen said...

Nice! The second one had a great sense of place--I wasn't really grounded in the first until almost all the way through. I really liked the tension in the original, though.

arlee bird said...

Your link is now on the blog roll of the Blogging From A to Z April Challenge. Have fun with it!

maybe genius said...

Oh, awesome! I really enjoyed what you did with both scenes. They were both a joy to read! You transitioned to the paranormal version beautifully.

arlee bird said...

Both of these work well. Personally I prefer the suspense version, but on film the paranormal version could have great special effects. Very nicely done--I was engaged throughout.

Jen Brubacher said...

Very cool complete change of universes here. I can see hints of the same characters, of course, but what an altered story! Nicely done.

Livia said...

Nice. "There can be only one" tickled me too :-) Thanks for participating!

Chris Catania said...

i vote for the second one, too! The pace, action and voice wall worked very well. I have a thing for paranormal stories. They freak me out but I still love to read them. And yours made me feel creeped out and looking around for ghosts just like good paranormal tales do. ;)

Margo said...

Raquel, these are both great, yet so different! Each would find an audience. The pacing of the second works well – keeps me on my toes.

I got my entry in late on 4/1. If you get a chance, please check it out!: