Thursday, May 27, 2010

Query Spoof Contest - May 13th to May 27th

Queries are hard to write. Writers the world over sweat and anguish over what to squeeze into the one-page explanation of who we are, what our book is about, why we wrote it, and who would buy it...not to mention word count, a little marketing...oh, and our contact information.  Needless to say, its not my favorite part of being a writer.

Creepy Query Girl thought to put a fun spin on the process by hosting a Query Spoof Contest. The rules are very basic:

"I want you to write a query letter pitching an already famous book or movie in the WORST ways possible. It’s gotta be funny and the original book or movie you’re trying to promote should shine through."

The prizes are actually quite nice. They include an over the phone consultation with an agent/editor from the Writer's Workshop, a 30-Page critique from '3CriticsClub', or your choice of a box of chocolates or champagne from France.  Pretty swanky, huh?

Her critique group will judge the entries and post the top five. You'all can vote on your favorites.  Very cool!

I've entered the contest and my entry is below...don't forget to check out the other creative entries over at Creepy Query Girl after May 27th.

Dear : Agents A-Z

I don’t know what kind of books you handle but I though if I just emailed everyone in the Writer’s Market I’m bound to get a few nibbles. My book FrightLight is almost halfway done and I thought I’d get a jump on the whole ‘representing’ thing.

My story is about a girl named Pretty, whose mom is a total flake and ships her to a rainy little town filled with woods and sheriffs and stuff. Pretty is sad and goes around being sad, and beautiful in a high school filled with people who instantly like her despite the fact that she is kind of unpleasant and a bummer. She crushes on this guy who treats her really bad, says she’s smelly, and stares at her menacingly in the parking lot.

The guy’s name is Eugene and is actually an old guy trapped in a kid’s body…a friend of his gave him a virus called Vampire that makes him not age. He hangs out in high schools and stalks the new girls. He lives with other old people who have this virus. They all hate that they permanently look like hot teenagers because it’s a curse to be gorgeous for all eternity…plus if they go out into the sunlight they flash like strobe lights.

Everyone stays away from Eugene and his gang except Pretty, who thinks that boys sneaking into her room at night to watch her sleep is not stalker behavior, but kinda sweet. Although Eugene constantly tells Pretty that she is unable to survive her own clumsiness, repeatedly tells her they can’t be friends, and disappears for days, she decides that he’s a catch and falls in love with him.

Eugene takes Pretty to his favorite secluded forest area and announces that she is so well…pretty, that he finds it hard not to kill her on the spot. Pretty thinks it is so noble that Eugene resists this murderous urge just for her and proceeds to tempt him by getting really close to his mouth. Meanwhile there’s another gang of virus-old-people-in-hot-bodies, these have different colored eyes so you can tell the difference, that decide if Eugene isn’t going to devour Pretty, then they call dibs. This is a total party foul in the virus society. Eugene’s family whisks Pretty away to safety, tell her horrible news, and then lose track of her.

Pretty falls for a bait-and-switch ploy and is lured to be dinner by one of the opposing virus dudes. He and Eugene fight and then Eugene’s family tear him apart and set him on fire while dancing about in a rain-dance like fashion because that is what sophisticated virus people do. Pretty almost gets the virus, but Eugene saves her by sucking it out of her arm. He does NOT empty her like a juice pouch and since this is very challenging for him, it proves he’s totally in love with her and really strong.

Eugene’s family takes Pretty to the hospital, lies to her mother about how she got hurt, and then leaves Eugene there to watch her sleep some more. Pretty’s mom buys the entire story hook-line-and-sinker, leaving Pretty and Eugene to be together. I have another book in mind about Pretty and a guy named Jason Gray who has anger issues and gets involved with a dog cult.

Thank you for your time. Get back to me quick for first dibs when I finish the book!
Sincerely, VampLuver2010

Thats my entry...go check out the others and have a laugh.  I'll be back from my vacay on June 4th. Can't wait to check out your Dream Sequence Blogfest entries!

Until next time...Go Write!

Photograph by Mild Mannered Photographer, Uploaded on April 21, 2008.


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That's a great idea!

Zoe C. Courtman said...

"But I though if I just emailed everyone in the Writer’s Market I’m bound to get a few nibbles." LOL! Great spoof :D

Mary McDonald said...

Haha! I love your entry! I would love to add that ending to my queries about the first dibs. hehe. Good luck. :-)

Erin Kane Spock said...

Raquel! You're totally in the lead. I voted for you and then saw how much you were kicking everyone's butts, so I changed my vote and voted for myself just so my voting percentage wouldn't seem so sad.

Wait, that makes me a jerk. I'm going to change it back. You rock!