You're a writer. What care you for social media like Twitter? But, its expected now by agents and publishers and so you've signed up for an account while shuddering at the thought of your inner writing sanctum being invaded. Well fear not... I'm here to help you rid yourself of those pesky followers. With Seven Simple Steps...you too, can tank your Twitter following!
Step One: Make sure your account is locked so that no one you follow can follow you back. This keeps your Tweets confined to you and your family members -- who call if they have anything to tell you. Excellent start so far!
Step Two: Choose your name like you're trying to encrypt your identity. Don't make your Twitter handle your real name...or that of your blog. No! That's too easy for others to catch on to who you are. Make it something like H82Twt so that you remain true to your reclusive writer persona.
Step Three: Use the lines in your profile to make obscure statements and claims instead of telling people who you are and what you do. Death to all Palladins...Me like chocolate...Joss is Boss. These are all excellent ways to hide your true identity. Be creative!
Step Four: Take a strangely cropped picture of just your eyes or maybe an avatar of you as a purple dingo and use that as your profile photo. That really helps to ward off recognition. You don't want people to recognize the picture on your book or blog as that of the person they've been interacting with...no, no!
Step Five: Follow the Rule of Five...Make sure you either Tweet every five minutes or every five days. That's the magic number. This enables you to flood the feed of prospective readers and writer buddies with absolute junk...and then you disappear for days. Trust me...this works wonders!
Step Six: Ignore others. Don't retweet interesting blog posts, contests, funny articles, or anything that might be of interest to other people or help them reach others. Remember, the goal is to remain unengaged with the world at large. Also...if someone does follow you...DO NOT FOLLOW BACK. That will just encourage them.
Step Seven: Stay away from searches! Don't look up topics that interest you like #amwriting or #writetips. These discussions and Tweet threads will suck you in and you'll be tempted to answer someone's question, comment on their Tweet, or otherwise join in. Don't fall for it!
There are of course, many other ways to sabotage your Twitter account. Keep in mind that while these methods are effective, they are not foolproof.
Bots will eventually follow you and it is your duty to open their direct messages about phones and pet meds and CLICK THE LINK....this spams all of your four followers! They love that.
If I have missed anything, feel free to leave your suggestions for successful Twitter tanking in the comments.
All kidding aside, writers can gain a lot of good from Twitter. I've heard about contests, open calls for submissions, and new agents on the block, all from Tweets. I've connected with writers going to similar conferences, been introduced to critique groups, and learned about extremely helpful blogs via Tweets. Social media can be an advantage. The trick is balance. Make sure you leave time for your first love...writing.